The Simons Say

Treehouse Inventory: Mid January

2012-01-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

binoculars
walkie talkie
several sticks
two shovels
cheese
bucket
sand
broom
bug catcher
rocks of assorted sized

When asked, "What are you doing up here guys?"

Asher said , "Weaponizing against my number one enemy. Torre."

"Why?"

"She eats all of our sticks which we need as guns and lasers."

Jacob said, "Making a sand potion."

Cutting Words

2012-01-27T11:37:00.003-05:00

As part of the process of looking for a surgeon, Asher's chart was sent to many different places.

If you have not had to go to many medical specialists, you might think this is easy work. Well, let me assure you it requires several million phone calls and faxes to do this. Because of HIPPA or some other medical acronym, offices can only release their own information. So while the pediatrician has everything, they can not send the actual information from specialists to anywhere. The information must be requested directly from that provider.

In preparation, Dan diligently called the old cardiac clinic in Charlotte, and the current one at UNC, and released files go everywhere we were requesting surgical review. Due to some bogus medical Charlie Foxtrot, apparently the cardiothorascic surgical clinic at the hospital is different from the regular cardiology clinic, so one critical aspect of his chart was missing. When we realized it, Dan called everyone again, faxed everyone again, and had a copy sent to us so we would know when it go where it was going.

It was the actual operative report.

The one that the surgeon dictates as a record of what exactly happened after they whisked Asher away.

The one that was not meant for parents to read when they mindlessly opened the mail.

It is technical for a reason. It has to be in order to clearly document what happened during the surgery. I'm sure it was a well written report.

For other surgeons.

Not for my eyes.

But I had to read it.

Have you ever held a sweet smelling baby in your lap and tried not to kiss its head? Even if its not yours, you kiss it. You can't help it. Or have you ever tried not to eat an M&M when walking by a bowl? Can't help yourself...

Dan told me to put it in the freezer and not look at it again. But it was too late.

The words were in front of me I couldn't help myself and now they are swirling around in my brain.

Words that didn't mean anything before.

20 French chest tube

Or meant something totally different before.

sternal saw

Times that seemed meaningless.

cardiopulmonary bypass time: 89 minutes

Harsh words.

jugular venous line

Words that don't belong in surgery.

hockey shaped aortotomy

Violent words.

electrocautery

Words that seem too regular.

tolerated the operation nicely

These words were not meant for me, but now I have them and many more. I have them in my memory. I have them and the images I have created to go with them. They are additions to this memory that I try to let fade.

They are just words. But we all know how much words can hurt.

The Answer To "What Are You Doing?"

2012-01-25T13:36:00.001-05:00

Complaining
Eating
Brushing
Talking
Running
Jumping
Reading
Writing
Adding

Playing

Speaking
Cooperating
Boinging
Regretting
Planning

Building

Constructing

Grunting

Riding

Fighting
Ninja-training
Climbing
Laughing
Sweating
Arguing
Falling

Tripping

Kicking
Punching
Rolling
Imagining
Loving
Hugging
Snuggling
Sleeping
Breathing
Exhausting

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

2012-01-24T14:34:00.002-05:00

For me, there is something about stepping off of the plane/train/bus/car/subway into Manhattan that is rejuvenating. It is refreshing. You have everything in available to you 24 hours a day. Whether you use it or not, you could. The opportunity is yours for the taking, and that is very freeing.

New York is also tricky because you can overkill your vacation. You can try so hard to be the champion of vacationing that it is exhausting and not refreshing at all.

I think this time, I nailed it.

The perfect blend of friends, food, entertainment, and relaxing to make the most of 48 hours.

Not all of it was planned, and not all of it worked out swimmingly (i.e. the snow and the bus leaving me stranded on 125th and 3rd Avenue.) But I had my kid-free wits about me and was very resourceful.
Highlights included, bagels, pie for dinner, pizza, local Chinese, late night Wii Fit, yoga, brunch, and honest, caring, loving friends.

Also, I made an excellent shoe choice in fuzzy lined rain boots.

Top it off with cheap last minute tickets to a highly entertaining show, and I'd say Mary was spot on in saying the weekend was:

Heart Attack

2012-01-20T14:43:00.000-05:00

After school, Asher came inside and did his usual grumbling about being hungry, needing the potty, and who laser beamed who on the bus. When he emptied his folder, he said, "Wait! Where is that Jump Rope For Heart form?"

I paused. I knew exactly where it was. It had been staring at me from my desk for a week.

"Maybe my desk. Why?"

He was off. He got it and started talking a mile a minute.

"Coach Rasnick told us that by bring in money in we would help the kids who have problems with their hearts. The money will help the hospitals. It will raise money and get the hospitals equipment for surgeries and medicine for the kids who need it. And then the kids can get well enough to jump."

I was paralyzed. I had nothing to say.

I watched him slowly go over to his pirate wallet and take out money. He shoved it in the envelope.

"There. I'll put those dollars in there. Will that be enough?"

Breathe. "Honey, you don't have to do that. You earned that allowance. " I look in the envelope where I see a ten dollar bill.

For a kid that earns three dollars a week, that's a sizable donation.

I said, "Are you sure you want to put ten dollars in there?" He said, "Yes! The more we can give the better it will help the hospital. Do you have any M&M's for snack?"

I immediately ran to the phone and texted Dan to find out what to say, as I continued to be mute and useless.

Dan remains the voice of reason and said to tell him how generous that was and that we were proud of him. Unless I couldn't make words come out, in which case he would talk about it at dinner.

We had to wait until dinner where the conversation turned to the AED machine he had seen, and how it starts people's hearts. And, "Mommy? Did they use that machine to do my surgery the first time?"

Breathe.

My mouth says, "Oh, no. That's usually for really old people and for accidents like if you fell and broke your head or something." Not great, but it could have been worse.

"Oh, right because if your heart stops then you are DEAD. You die, right? When your heart stops. And you stay dead."

Breathe. Mouth says, "Well, that's true, but you don't have to worry about that."

My brain wanders while I am speaking... they are going to stop your heart in about 5 months to repair it. Will you be dead? Not really. But sort of. You've been dead before in the same way. I'm lying to you by telling you no, don't worry about it. I should be telling you more, helping you more, doing more...

"Mom? Mom? MOM!"

"Oh, huh? Yes?"

"Like a light saber, right? It kills you too. Then you would need that machine. I love Star Wars. Today, David told me that Luke Skywalker flies the...."

Breathe. Everything goes back to normal everywhere, but nowhere. Our son has shown us his gigantic generous heart, and mine is slowly breaking into a million pieces.

Unwinding

2012-01-19T13:52:00.003-05:00

I am going away for 48 hours by myself.

Aaaahhhh.

I know, you are jealous. It sounds heavenly. Blissful. Relaxing. The world is my oyster etc.

Here is what I hear, "YOU ONLY HAVE 48 HOURS!!! DON'T F*** IT UP!!!"

I might miss out on something.
I might choose the wrong restaurant.
I might miss a friend I really wanted to see.
I might pack the wrong shoes and then my feet will be cold and wet as I trudge through the streets.
I might not get to do everything I want to do.
There might be a better restaurant/show/movie/bar/store somewhere around the corner.

There is something about a vacation that creates pressure to enjoy it all. Creates pressure to not miss out on a single thing.

What is it? Just my insanity? My own special brand of crazy? Maybe. Probably.

Maybe it is the fact that it is an investment. Somewhat of a time commitment. Why spend three hours seeing a movie in a vacation city when you can see a movie in your own town? Do something you can't do at home.

Maybe it is the financial commitment. However large or small, it is an aberration from a regular budget. It better feel good, but not be too extravagant.

Maybe it's the guilt of being alone. I'm creating a burden for the hubs who is watching the kids while I galavant and frolic all by myself. I better enjoy it because I've been freed of my duties. Don't waste your time doing something stupid that you could have done with him.

It would be nice to be the kind of person who can just fly by the seat of her pants, even while I am on vacation. But I'm OK with the fact that I am not that kind of girl.

So I will plan out my time wisely, research my shoe choices and harass everyone I know about restaurants. And that will be how it goes.

If I feel like it...

3 Hour Tour

2012-01-14T14:05:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine just posted on Facebook about her new baby being born. Baby was born at 10:30, and someone posted at 1:30. Which, I am totally glad about, I LOVE how social media can help you to send good thoughts to people at the time they need it the most. And how you can think of them in real time.

Like what is happening 3 hours after you give birth.

The baby is probably gone, having all sorts of thorough checkups. And Mama? You are elated, but broke down. People are under the hood, maybe still checking things out. You're sitting on an ice diaper, nursing stitches. Or maybe you have the crazy relentless body racking chills that no one can explain. Or maybe you have tried to go to the bathroom and have realized that each task of human existence just became exponentially more difficult than it was three hours ago. Maybe the nurse is in the bathroom with you going over how to perform bodily functions without needing mega doses of Percoset (because we all know while that helps the pain, it just makes the deed WAAAAAY more difficult in the end.) Maybe you are realizing that after a normal delivery, Mama needs almost as much bathroom gear as the baby.

And then, time to eat! Not you, the baby. So in flies the S.W.A.T. team also known as lactation consultants who give your breasts more action than they have seen the whole nine months. You lose whatever shred of dignity you had after delivery when they arrive. Maybe you're a lucky one for whom it just clicks. But probably, there will be a lot of crying on everyone's part, as there is squeezing, nipping, biting, pulling, reaching, and all for a few teeny drops of what seems like nothing.

Like Gilligan, three hours can lead to life changing realizations.

But also... it might be that, three hours is exactly the moment where it is quiet. Where just you and your little one can focus on each other. Meet each other. Really see each other. Breathe each other in. Where you can sear things into your memory. Where you an realize that you have done this. You have waited for this. You are not the person you were three hours ago. This person has changed you into a mother. And you realize it is perfect.

This is why I love Facebook. Because right now, in real time, I can really think about how it must be for her. And I can remember how it really was for me.

Jumping Around Matters of the Heart

2012-01-13T09:57:00.007-05:00

In a very timely fashion, Asher brought home the Jump Rope For Heart brochure and bookmark this week. The bookmark is "Very special because it helps to raise money for a girl who wasn't so healthy and now she is. And you can win prizes for raising money."

On the one hand, YES! We support the American Heart Association! They research stuff that could eventually make some family not have to have our problems and much worse...

On the other hand, NO EFFING WAY! We are not participating. We are not donating, we need all of the money and mental energy we have to pay for OUR problem right now. I'm taking donations and suggestions for the what-to-do-for-six-weeks-post-op-of-no-collision-activity-when-we-aren't-allowed-to-jump-rope. I don't want Asher to somehow end up the poster boy for his school about this situation before it even happens. I don't want his situation to become something we have to share with school right now, and I am afraid it might be.

On the other hand, MAYBE. Maybe it would be a good way for him not to feel like he is the only one going through this. Maybe he would not feel isolated, or alone, and maybe it would help his friends not feel like something is so different about him.

On the other hand maybe next year. After. After it is over. After he is healed and we are healed.

But in the meantime. What does he really understand? Prizes. I got a bookmark. He has no idea what it will mean FOR HIM, and he doesn't need to yet. We worry enough for him, he doesn't need to.

Whew.

2012-01-11T13:36:00.003-05:00

I bought a massage on Groupon a few months ago when I decided people get massages when they are stressed out. But then I realized this massage was just from a dude. Not a spa or something. A man. In a private business of rubbing people. In a deserted house-type-office-studio-thing.

But it was cheap. So....

Yesterday he called to confirm and to give me directions which included, "Go around the back behind the fence up the stairs and I will be waiting for you there." With my machete.

I thought I was probably being unreasonable, but started to get really nervous about it when I realized he was right near a bunch of pawn shops and bars. Ones that were open at 10 AM on a Wenesday with no sporting event to speak of. And not college bars. So I held my keys between my fingers prepared to pounce (nice way to enter a massage, huh?) and proceeded "behind the fence and up the stairs" as Michael described. Aside from the unsightly taco meat look, he was harmless looking. So I put the keys in my bag and entered his ~~death chamber~~ massage studio.

But I couldn't relax knowing I was stripping down while an unknown man lurked outside of the door. I formulated many escape plans while I settled into his harmless massage table.

Then, I got a normal massage.

Minimal talking, quiet music, nothing weird.

Normal.

When it was over, I packed it up, thanked him, paid and tipped him and went back downstairs.

There was a young woman standing there with a Groupon. She was looking around, keys in hand, eyeing the staircase.

"Don't worry, he's normal. He's not going to chop you up into a million pieces or anything. It's a good massage." I reassured her.

She looked relieved, smiled and went upstairs.

As my friend Jules put it, "Killers don't advertise on Groupon. As long as you didn't reply to an ad for him on Craigslist, you're probably OK."

Decisions

2012-01-09T13:41:00.002-05:00

Asher had a checkup at the cardiologist a few weeks ago, after 10 months. The last time, we left there filled with gratitude. This time, we left knowing that we are going to have to make a plan for when to fix Asher's heart condition one more time.

The doctors have waited mainly so that he could get bigger which would make the surgery technically easier for the surgeons. And, so that it would (hopefully) be the last time he would have to have this procedure. By procedure, I mean major open heart surgery.

But I guess, no matter how many times they have told me, I can't help but wonder, why not just keep waiting? Why not wait indefinitely?

In no uncertain terms, the doc clarified. And then our old cardiologist from Charlotte chimed in and confirmed. The irregular tissue growing causes turbulent blood flow to the valve, and the valve can not withstand that kind of blood flow for an extended period of time. It will weaken. As it weakens, the left ventricle works harder and harder to pump blood through the valve, and the walls of the heart thicken in a condition called hypertrophy. Neither of those things are good. Both of those are irreparable. Valve replacements require chronic maintenance. Doctors do everything possible to prevent needing that. The other also impacts heart function.

We have spent the last few weeks putting one foot in front of the other and gathering information. We have been trying to take it slowly and reasonably. We have been trying to quiet our minds and make one decision at a time.

First major step: Asher is going to have the surgery this summer. He doesn't know yet. He doesn't need to know for a while.

Next major step: Who will do the surgery and where? Should we stay here at Duke or UNC, or should we travel? We need the best surgeon for this problem. So while there are many recommendations flying at us, they are hard to sort through. What I need to know is the statistics. How many have you done? What are your outcomes? It doesn't matter if you have 50 years of experience on valve replacements, if you don't do this regularly, you are not good enough. It's important to me that the nurses, CCU staff, and facilities are well staffed, and reputable. But I need the man with the scalpel to know exactly what the hell he is doing.EXACTLY. Like, he could do it in his sleep. He can be the biggest asshole that has ever walked the planet, as long as he can safely get Asher on and off bypass, resect the tissue, and put it all back together nicely. I don't have to have dinner with him.

The challenge is gathering the appropriate information. One tiny step at a time. One phone call, one conversation, one small decision that everything hinges on.... Can that one do it? Do I trust this one to hold my baby's heart in his hands?

Reader

2012-01-05T13:28:00.004-05:00

Jacob. Age 3.

I know he has memorized it, and is not "reading" it. But as a teacher I see, concepts of print, using picture clues, matching words to print, etc.

As a mom, I see a little boy who is coming into his own.

Undecided

2012-01-04T08:30:00.005-05:00

Last week I sat down to write a post about Asher's cardiology visit. I couldn't really do it. It teetered between too technical a sort of Hippa violation, outlining all the nuances of what is going on, and stark raving mad.

I'll get to it some other time. When I know more. When we all know more about how this is going to go.

Then I thought I would recap our vacation which, cardiologist aside, was about an 8 on a scale of 1-10. Enjoyable. Relaxing. Friend-filled. But I can't seem to do it justice, it has this doomsday undertone. A GIGANTIC ELEPHANT in the room that darkened many conversations and left many things hanging and unsaid.

So then I thought I would put up my annual New Years post that is inspired by a talented writer over here. But what I wanted to write in at least 5 or 6 answers was really from 2 years ago. I have them confused with this past year. That's frightening. Did this year pass me by? Where was I? I had nothing to refelect on. Can't deciper the before and after.

Then I made a list of post titles that would probably scare away all (any) of my readers. Such as, "How to Clear a Room by Endlessly Talking About Your Own Crap" and "Gluten Free or Heart Surgery, You Choose!"

When I realized how bitter they all sounded, I decided I would flip it and focus on a post of things I was grateful for from 2011. And the first few were so ridiculously laden in sarcasm that I decided that wasn't very grateful at that moment.

Is this a case of Blog writer's block? Maybe. Maybe just a case of censoring, processing and judging.

I hope a kid does something funny soon to give me some material. Then I could post that. Or maybe not.

One Treehouse Please, Hold the Dinosaurs

2011-12-30T08:09:00.006-05:00

Wednesday the boys waited patiently for Billie Ann and her crew to get here.

They got all of their tools out on the deck.

They worked along side the crew, sanding, cutting and building.

They watched for hours.

The crew framed out the sides.

Then stood up the frame, but had some trouble leveling it on the hill, around the roots and the tree. They left early for the day.

We went to check it out.

It was ready for floor joists and sides!

The next day, they got a late start, but had the bottom up quickly.

Just around nightfall, it was complete!

The view looking up.

The view looking down.

The boys inside.

What else could you want but a treehouse and a flashlight?

The whole family fits! I'd say dinosaurs aside, the treehouse is a success!

Big thank you to everyone for the gift!

Did you miss the whole saga? Check it out here, here, here, here, and here.

If You Are Still Stalking the Simon Family Hanukkah...

2011-12-28T20:44:00.002-05:00

...you'll have to wait until tomorrow for treehouse pictures. There was a leveling issue and the crew had to get some more 4 x 4 pieces, so they will be back in the morning.

Boooo. Hissssss.

Hanukkah, Night 8

2011-12-27T20:06:00.006-05:00

The Big Hanukkah Reveal, part 5 was uber-exciting for Mom and Dad! We were all smiles the whole time!

Today's clues:

It's all yours

Up in a tree!

Which makes the whole rhyme:

A place to play

A place to hide

You'll have to climb

To get inside

Lots of fun

Wait and see

It's all yours

Up in a tree!

Jacob maintained that there would be dinosaurs until about 10 minutes after it was all over. Asher lit up and was excited to have guessed a treehouse last night. Then he asked if there would be two, one for him and one for Jacob.

The kids were surprised, but a bit underwhelmed, as they often are by our built up excitement. Tomorrow at 10 AM Kids Korner Playsets* comes to build it. I think Jacob will come around that there won't be any dinosaurs once he gets inside.

Just picture Jacob here going, "DIIIIIIINOSAURS!!!!"

Are you around tomorrow to come by to watch the construction? Or later this week to play Ninja/Star Wars/Superhero/Dinosaur? We're here, we'd love to have you!

Did you miss the other nights? Part 4, Part 3, Part 2, Part 1.

* If you clicked through to their page, you should note that we have arranged for the ghetto model. Not, say the Parent's Retreat.

**Also, the picture is an approximation of what it will look like... Stay tuned for tomorrows construction shots!

Hanukkah, Night 7

2011-12-26T20:01:00.002-05:00

The Big Hanukkah Reveal of 2011, part 4, thanks to Grandma and Grandpa!

You'll have to climb

To get inside

Jacob is holding steady at guessing dinosaurs. Asher's guess was a Hanukkah treehouse where you could take a menorah. And, he wanted to know if this would be a present to share. I told him that I thought if the present was a dinosaur, there would probably be only one.

Catch Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Hanukkah, Night 6

2011-12-25T20:27:00.004-05:00

Thanks to Grammy for the clue for The Big Hanukkah Reveal, part 3.

Lots of fun

Wait and see!

Yes, the clue/rhyme is out of order.... it was too easy the other way.

The boys are now convinced there will be dinosaurs and a forest. I told Asher I was under a spell and could not give him any more information until the next night. Thank you, Harry Potter for allowing me to pull MAGIC as an excuse!

Clue #1 and Clue #2 in case you missed it.

Hanukkah, Night 5

2011-12-24T20:24:00.005-05:00

The Big Haunkkah Reveal of 2011, part 2.

More puzzle pieces, courtesy of Gramps, Auntie Kathryn & Gabriella.

Actual clue:

A place to play,

A place to hide.

Today's guess: "Something about a forest."

If you missed Day 1, see it here.

Hanukkah, Night 4

2011-12-23T20:44:00.007-05:00

Tonight the kids got part 1 of the Big Haunkkah Reveal of 2011.

Each of the nights until the end of Hanukkah, the kids are getting an envelope with a handful of puzzle pieces.

When the puzzle is complete, it will have a picture of their present. The present arrives Wednesday December 28th, the day after the last night of the holiday.

Tonight's pieces represented Uncle Michael and Aunt Lisa's contribution. Hopefully, this will help them understand that the gift is from everyone.

Their guess for what it might be? "Something to do with dinosaurs. Definitely dinosaurs."

Hanukkah Night 1, Winter Break Day 1; Only 17,280 Minutes To Go

2011-12-21T08:55:00.004-05:00

Last night, when Asher walked in from the bus five seconds after being on winter vacation, he declared, " Can you just tell me if we are getting presents tonight or not?"

Well, clearly the things we are doing to encourage gratitude are working like a charm.

While Dan was giving a long and heartfelt lecture on how holidays are for family and not presents, Torre chimed in by puking all over the carpet.

Puking birdseed, if you must know.

Why? Why birdseed? You see, a few weeks ago when Grandma and Grandpa were here, we went all recycle-y Martha Stewart and made a darling suet birdfeeder out of the leftover bacon grease from a delicious Fetuccini Carbonarra. Pour the grease and birdseed into an old cottage cheese container with a string, and voila! Suet! Reduce, reuse, recycle, help the animals! Save the Whales etc....

In our case, the string was malfunctioning, so we perched it on the fence for birds to eat. Apparently, yesterday some critter knocked it down, and our dog devoured it.

Minutes later, she started vomiting up birdseed and bacon grease.

The boys then enjoyed their first holiday presents (are we suckers because we gave gifts after our lecture?)

This morning, Torre had covered the inside of her crate with a similar bacon-seed paste, subsequently also covering her fur.

Then, Asher informed me that he had, "Accidentally forgotten and dumped the pencil sharpener's dust all over the kitchen." The real issue is, why do we have a pencil sharpener in the pantry?

The current status:

Pencil dust? Vaccuumed.

Vomit (x5)? Wiped, sprayed, laundered.

Dog? Bathed.

Vet? Called and recommended bland diet, or acute pancreatitis if she doesn't stop vomiting.

Coffee? Cup #2.

Time? 8:15 AM

Vacation day? 1

It can only go up from here? Yes?

Duet

2011-12-18T20:00:00.002-05:00

Asher's piano teacher arranged for the children to perform at Nordstrom's last weekend. They killed the house music and piped the kids playing all throughout the store. Uncle Scott was in town with the rest of the Simon crew, and so Asher had the privilege of playing a duet with his very talented uncle.

Then he played on his own.

He didn't stick around for the applause or to grab his music, but he did manage to snag a lollipop.

I was a proud Momma.

Old Taio McDonald

2011-12-13T21:18:00.001-05:00

"This song is just like Old MacDonald! Y'know it goes E-I-E-I-O!" says Jacob as he rocks in the backseat. I'll take it over the near Bieber Fever we had here last week.

SIX

2011-12-13T14:13:00.005-05:00

1) I am now the mother of a full-fledged kid. One who reads (in Spanish and English), plays the piano, and is obsessed with Legos and Harry Potter. Also, he sometimes dresses as Captain America.

2) It is awesome. And sometimes overwhelming. And sometimes sad at how it is moving so quickly and so slowly at the same time.

3) Asher asks me to come into his room every night and 'rest with him'. It started out a little annoying, because, GOD! I am just done with the day at that point. But now, I look forward to it. It's him requesting some time with just me to tell me or talk to me about whatever it is on his mind. I like this about six.

4) The thing about six that is the strangest, is I can see where he was at (one, two, three, four and five) and I can see where he might be at seven, eight, nine, and nineteen. I think six might be magical in that way.

5) I was worried about a party. The new friend situation in kindy is a little rough, and the old friend situation from preschool is a little scattered, so we went with a 'hood party. Campfire, s'mores, and chips. Six and sticks was the theme. It worked out just lovely.

6) The thing about parenting that I didn't know that I have taken 6 years to learn, is that you love your kids, of course. But you really spend time growing into a relationship with them. You bug them, they bug you. You laugh with them, they laugh with you. You share with them, they share with you. And while you always love them, you learn to love them the right way for them. And it is different for each year, for each kid. And I am certain that what I did for the first six years will look nothing like the second six years. But I am also certain that I will figure it out.

Love you, Mr. Six.

(what am I doing in the background?!?!?!)

Popeye

2011-12-07T06:09:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was an epic eating day for Jacob. It's like he knew that he was going to the doctor to get weighed. He ate:

Greek yogurt with gluten-free granola
Chex cereal
a gluten-free blueberry muffin
Pez
3 scrambled eggs with cheese
an apple
a bowl of spinach
a cheese stick
a clementine
tortilla chips
applesauce

That is more than I have seen him eat in a week.

We went to the doctor, and everything went smoothly. No blood draw. No further testing. She was pleased with his growth. He weighed in at a whopping 24 lbs 7 oz. That is up 1 pound and 3 ounces since his one year check up two months ago. That is GREAT! He hasn't gained a pound that quickly since he was an infant. The GI doc does not want to see him until he goes back to the endocrine doc in the spring. He should just keep on keeping on.

We like to hear that.

We never hear that.

And, I think I was so upset because I honestly THOUGHT things were better. I got rid of 2 shirts this week that are too small (18 month size) and I think his shoes are too small. He is falling down all the time and refuses to velcro them closed all the way. So I was hopeful, but cautious. I didn't want to get my hopes up and then have then crushed by some new problem. And still, I should be elated, but really, I am just normal. I still had to do it, had to go through the emotional energy to go there....

Anyway, when we got home, Dan and I were relieved. We were flying Jacob around like an airplane and he was cracking up. I gave him his amoxicillin for the ear infection he is recovering from, and brushed his teeth, and then WHAMMO! He cough-gagged and proceeded to puke up about 1 pound of spinach, cheese stick, applesauce, amoxicillin, clementine, etc. It was everywhere. It was certainly not a sick puke, just a cough mucous puke, but OMG! That was a reality check.

But really? I am glad he puked it up after we got home, because he still gets to have 24 lbs 7 oz on his chart.

Loser? Brain.

2011-12-06T06:08:00.004-05:00

Sometimes life is just going along fine, rhythmically, you are in a groove. People are happy, eating, sleeping, playing, not killing each other with light sabers. There are birthdays and holiday parties that all go swimmingly. There are things to look forward to. And then WHAM! Something sneaks up on you and derails you.

But I guess, it's not really that sneaky when you anticipate it, and know it's coming.

I think that's the part where you brain and your emotions have a fight.

Brain: Jacob must go for a follow up to the GI doc. He's actually doing better, maybe this will be OK.

Emotions: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Brain: We're organized. Childcare for Asher? Check. Dinner for after the appointment? Check.

Emotions: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Brain: Dan took off of work, we have a list of questions, and Jacob is already talking about what kind of band aid he will pick out after the blood draw.

Emotions: CAN NOT DRIVE TO HOSPITAL CAN NOT DRIVE TO HOSPITAL CAN NOT DRIVE TO HOSPITAL.

Brain: Plus! We are going in before the end of the year, and since we have already met our deductible, this is like getting a freebie!

Emotions: open heart surgery open heart surgery open heart surgery open heart surgery

Brain: Shut up in there! It's totally different. It's not Asher, it's Jacob.

Emotions: So what, he's still tiny, not growing, who knows what's wrong.

Brain: He's grown a tiny bit, and he's eating!!!

Emotions: But, what if there is something else? And you know, it'll BE Asher's turn in a few weeks....

Brain: Well, true. But today is just a routine check up...

Emotions: But that's what you say every time.

Brain: I know, but....

Emotions: And every time there is something else.

Brain: But....

Emotions: You shut up!

Brain: But,I'm trying to tell you...

Emotions: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Brain: AAAAAHHHHH! Breathe in. AAAAAHHH! Breathe out.

That is what it comes to. My brain telling my body to breathe. To do things, while it races out of control. Maybe today will be a game changer...

Decemberitis

2011-12-05T07:16:00.003-05:00

There is an aspect of yoga that calls for one to practice santosha, or contentment. The practice of being grateful for what you have.

But for many, while December should be the month that you are most grateful, most content, it seems to be the worst. Constantly looking for what else to "get". What else to "have". What else you "need".

We have the double whammy/blessing of Asher's birthday this month as well. We struggle with not getting caught up in gifting, but not letting him miss out on a regular birthday just because it is around holiday time.

And, we struggle with how to age appropriately and gently help our children learn that they are fortunate, and that there are many who are not so fortunate. We need this reminder ourselves.

This year, I planned out a little Hanukkah calendar. Different activity on each night, not just nights of endless gifts. One night of good deeds, one night of family time, one night of doing for another member in the family. A week of gratitude. Of reflection. Will it work?

How do you do it? How do you raise empathetic children who are aware of what they have, who are content, who are not consumed at the holidays? I'm open to suggestions.

A Young American's Uninfluenced Commentary on the French

2011-11-30T15:43:00.011-05:00

Asher: Mom, people in France chop their vegetables SUPER fast. Like this! (insert speedy karate like knife chopping motion and several flying cracker crumbs as he makes spitting noises while chewing) Did you know that?

Me: No, I didn't (wipes up cracker spray). How did you know that?

Asher: Ratatouille. Y'know, the movie. In France, they don't like rats either. It's because they have so many of them. They yell, "Raton*! Raton! Raton!" (jumps up and starts pointing.)

Me: Imagine that. All in France.

*We realize that means mouse. We'll forgive him, he had the gist of it.

Things I Want to Bemember

2011-11-28T18:58:00.006-05:00

Asher's baby talk was VERY limited. Not because his speech was limited. No. It was the opposite of that. He never said, "ME want bagel!" He said, "Mother, would you toast me a fresh bagel with some jam, perchance."

Jacob, as we have established, is VERY different.

For example, every morning with 'breasktfast' he has a 'vinamum'. He is 'free years old'. His 'brudder' is Asher.

Now, Asher did regularly ask, "Do you know about a Hoggie store?"

No, we still do not know what that is.

And at bedtime, we'd say, "What are you going to do?"

Asher would reply, "Stay in bent."

That's about it.

A few weeks ago, Jacob got very insistent about the 'hovey' he built out of blocks. It was a moving hovey, as opposed to a .... non-moving hovey?

And, he loves to talk about his uvula, (yes, this thing), the Serenseen Bears, and his life saver.

Yes, I think we will bemember this for a long time...

The Land of Make Believe

2011-11-23T14:38:00.005-05:00

"Jaaaaaaaacob. (Fall on the couch moaning.) I'm dyyyyyyyyyyying. You must call the medical droids."

"I can't! They are climbing trees!"

"You have to! It's the only hope!"

"OK, wait. (pause to run to window) Medical droids!!! Get down from the tree you have to save my brudder. He's dying! (run back to Asher) I called them. They're coming!"

"No they're not! They are still there!"

"OK, let me call them again. (pause to run to window) Medical droids!!! You have to save my brudder! (run back to Asher) OK, they are coming. The trees were hard to climb. They're here! (Asher stays limp and unresponsive.) Asher! They're here. OK. I'm going to count to three and then you will be better. One, two, three! (Asher jumps up and they continue to battle.)

Overheard

2011-11-22T13:48:00.002-05:00

"No, don't cover your face! Just stand still while I see how hard I can hit you in the face with my light saber before it hurts!"

What This Says About My Readers

2011-11-21T15:21:00.004-05:00

Interesting, you readers and your morals.

When I put the poll up on Thursday, there were 5 votes by Friday morning. My regular readers. All of YOU voted for not knowing about the possible indiscretion.

By Saturday, there were about 2/3 of you who still didn't want to know, and 1/3 of you who did.

Today, it is exactly 50-50.

So what does that say?

It's a tough question with no obvious right or wrong.

My weekend readers need to know more than my weekday readers.

The same person voted 16 times just to mess with me.

Either way, I'll be watching Parenthood tomorrow night to see what happens when he spills the beans to his wife.

And, furthermore this week I will be thankful that all that Dan is dong around here is actually eating beans instead of having any to spill.

*NOTE* As I posted, there was a 17th vote. A tiebreaker. Who were you??!?!? I think I know....

Indecent Proposal, Minus the Money

2011-11-17T12:22:00.002-05:00

Do any of you watch Parenthood? Ok, well let me sum up.

In the story, main character Dad hires very attractive secretary for his music business. He gets into a few sticky situations with her and her voluptuous twenty-some year old self, quite innocently. Finally culminating by driving this tipsy bombshell home after a late work function in a rainstorm to her shady apartment complex. He walks her to her door. She thanks him and then kisses him.

He did not kiss her back.

He did not tell his wife.

So tell me... would you want to know about this if you were the spouse?

Vote on the side.

What's in a Name?

2011-11-14T20:52:00.002-05:00

Brilliant. That's what.

This place continues to be one of my faves in town. Not only because of their delicious desserts and the good company that always meets me there, but because as their name, Glasshalfull, implies, they serve half glasses of wine.

Two reasons this is spectacular:

1) Taste more wines, while getting the same amount of alcohol.

2) 1.5 glasses is exactly how much I can have and drive home. 1 is not enough, and 2 is too many.

Plus, you always leave there feeling optimistic. Go figure.

Worth

2011-11-10T10:00:00.007-05:00

I got offered a job yesterday.

I applied for a job that sounded really interesting at UNC. I thought I was way underqualified. They called me for an interview about 24 hours later. They called my references, and yesterday HR called.

I'm not taking it.

I've though of a million reasons why I should take it, and a million why I shouldn't and I agonized about it before it was offered to me. When it wasn't real. And now that it is, the agonizing has increased to a whole new level.

I wasn't sure about it when I left the interview. Too many bosses, too fragmented, too big of a job for someone who hasn't been in the workforce full time for a while. But maybe awesome. Maybe the chance of a lifetime. Maybe impossible. Hard to tell.

I didn't think it mattered, I thought I bombed the interview, and they weren't giving it to me.

But I guess they did.

So when faced with an opportunity to do something you didn't think you could, it becomes emotional, not logical.

When you are flattered and handed the opportunity to change your life dramatically, even if you weren't looking for a change, it's hard to say no.

There are four main reasons why I said no. Here are three.

Ten years ago when Dan and I got married, we made a very conservative plan- that I would stay home and be here for everyone until both boys were in school. Then I would look for part time or classroom work that allowed me to still participate fully in PTA, bake sales, and taxi driving to soccer and piano.

We are grateful that this is available to us as a plan. Very grateful. Really.

But what if that's not how it goes? What if everyone was in day care or afterschool, and there was a housekeeper, and I never saw a soccer game, birthday party, or piano recital? What if I never went to Asher's classroom, met Dan for lunch, or took Jacob to the playground? What if someone else did all of those things? What if we participated in the 5 pm scramble every day as Dan and I raced to pick the kids up and get dinner on the table and do homework? How would we feel?

What if my uniform was not my Lucky jeans and a hoodie, but a pencil skirts and slingbacks? What if I helped doctors be better educators at the medical school instead of help my children learn to put on their jackets and act like nice people? What if I carried a laptop and coffee instead of a diaper bag and juiceboxes?

I think the change sounds glamorous and exhilarating, but also exhausting and damaging.

Who would suffer because of it?

Plenty of children, YOUR children, have nannies, go to daycare and have lovely lives. They don't suffer because of it.

Plenty of husbands, YOUR husbands, help while you work full time, do homework, pick up the kids and do not expect Donna Reed to be greeting them at the door at 6p.m. They don't suffer because of it.

Plenty of moms do it all. Are they better for it or worse for it?

For me, I think I can't be with 3-year old Jacob any other time but now. I think I can't get time in Asher's kindergarten ever again. I think I like to work a tad bit from home, and be here when my kids wake up in the morning, get home from school, and go to bed each night. I think passing up a job you are not sure you'd like to do for a job you don't love every second but value immensely is probably the right move.

Oh, and the fourth reason? After childcare, I would make $400.

A year.

I think I am worth more than that, and I know my other three reasons think so too.

Living in the Game Whack-A-Mole

2011-11-08T15:02:00.001-05:00

There is never one moment where EVERYTHING is going smoothly. If the kids are happy, there is a sink full of stinky dishes. If the dishes are being cleaned, the husband is trying to have an important conversation with me about getting new gutters (I know, glamorous). If we are talking about getting new gutters, then our glorious dog, Torre is barking her brains out because she brought us a dead bat to the back door. If I am cleaning up the dead bat, then the pile of work in my inbox is growing. If I sit down to work, someone throws a Lego at someone else. When I intervene with the Lego war, it is probably time to cook a meal again, which will lead to dishes, and the cycle continues.

Each night after the kids go to bed, there is a moment where everything is peaceful. Until you look around and see that there are constantly things needing your attention. Work. Bills. PTA forms. Lunches for tomorrow. Defrosting chicken or hot dogs or soaking beans for dinner the next day. Wiping jelly off of the floor. Not to mention the fact that are times when we are consumed with health issues for our children. So we weave insurance companies, doctors visits, and trips to 20 different grocery stores for specialty foods into daily life.

Yet somehow, there has to be a time for everything to be still. For calm. For quiet. For no whining or throwing or cleaning or complaining.

I sometimes think if I can whack ALL of the moles at one time with my Supermom arms, then that moment will come. But really, I think it is unattainable. I think the bigger lesson is learning to live with a mole or two in order to steal the moments of peace.

What Do A Matchbox Car And An Acorn Have In Common?

2011-11-03T14:11:00.003-04:00

They are what was left in the dryer after washing the boys clothes. I am thankful one of them did not put a frog in their pocket.

Boo!

2011-11-02T13:29:00.004-04:00

Did you think we skipped Halloween because of my bah-humbug post? We didn't!

We tricked. We treated. We spooked.

We carved. Notice, Yoda and Darth Vader on the top steps. (Thanks to Dan & Uncle Jeremy) Also, the frog rain boots have reappeared.

The loot was tasty, and reasonable. Jacob was perfectly willing to trade, although in this picture he looks as if to say, "Touch my candy, and I'll cut you!"

I even let them put M&M's in their oatmeal in the morning.

And with only a handful of candy left, and no crying, falling, or fighting, I'd say it was an overall success.

Six Degrees of Separation From Jedi to Jews

2011-10-30T20:10:00.004-04:00

Topics covered at Saturday morning breakfast:

the injustice of slavery
the 613 mitzvot
appropriate places for singing
the names of the dinosaurs
what is on the inside of a regular bagel vs. what is on the inside of a gluten-free bagel
what makes a meal vegetarian
why we help to feed the needy
the game "Dance and Die"

And the clincher... God: alive or not? "How can God be alive in Egypt and Pharoh times and still alive today? That's too old. He must be more like air because you can feel God and he is everywhere but you can't see him."

And just when you thought you had been enlightened by a 5-year-old, he adds, "God is super cool because he helped Jews to build a temple just like the Jedi temple. Do you think God had a green light saber, Mom?"

Trick Or Treat Blues

2011-10-20T13:12:00.004-04:00

While I am glad that Jacob has learned at an early age to advocate for himself, it does not make grocery shopping any easier. "Mommy, is that cereal gluten-free? How about those cookies? What about the Mickey cheese? Can I eat that granola bar? Can we buy the yogurt with the Dinosaurs on it? How about the squirt kind?" It will hurt your belly. It's not gluten-free. You can't. We can't. I can't. No. No. No. No. No. It's a new rhythm thumping in my head. No one wants to say no to their child that much.

Think about the average child asking for things in the grocery store, and then magnify that by every aisle, with no room for splurging. Ever. And then magnify the number of grocery stores by about 5, because we have to shop all over town so we don't go broke on gluten-free groceries. Sometimes he has a complete tantrum because I won't buy him yogurt. Or cheese. Or a certain kind of peanut butter. Or bread. It's not like he is asking for something unreasonable. He just wants his to be the same as everyone else's.

And today, all he wanted was to help me pick out Halloween candy. But not one bag had a mix of ALL things that he could eat. "How about the one with pumpkins? Chocolates? SpongeBob?" It's SUPPOSED to be a treat, and I had to Google about 20 candies to see which ones we could have. In the end it was fine. Plain and Peanut M&M's, Hershey Bars and Tootsie Roll Pops are all gluten-free. And he will be happy. And hopefully he won't be too mad when I trade all the Twix, Kit Kats and Nestle Crunches out of his Halloween pumpkin for things he can eat.

We may have gotten better at working with gluten-free living, but it hasn't gotten any easier.

Go Heels!

2011-10-17T14:34:00.007-04:00

I had the chance to take Asher to a Carolina football game on Saturday.

Let me just say, these Tar Heels LOVE them some football. Me? Eh. Cheerleading for all of high school leaves me a little less loving football than others. However, Asher was fascinated.

He could not grasp the concept that the UNC/Carolina/Tar Heels were ALL referring to the same team. He was not sure who to cheer for. UNC? The Tar Heels? Carolina? What? It took a few days to straighten that out, but now I think we have it. Dan's example of Jill/Mommy/Mrs. Simon seemed to help. Three names, same person.

His had two favorite parts. First, the marching band did a movie tribute. They marched in formation of the Star Wars Logo, while playing the Imperial March. Then the announcer said, "May the force be with you." Asher's comment? "That was AWESOME!"

Second, he loved the flashy girls. Cheerleaders, dancers, but especially the majorette. The lone baton twirler. Oh, how I used to long to be that girl. He was wowed by her sparkly dress and big stick. Oh, aren't we all...

In addition, the Carolina fans are something to be seen. It reminded me of a day at the track in Saratoga. Hats, scarves, dresses, shoes, bow ties. Kind of Martha's Vineyard meets the South. Not in a bad way. Asher fit right in, but I was severely underdressed

Jacob did not go, but he did watch the game with our neighbors. And he was curious about something on his own. The "backbeard".

It IS something to ponder.

Finally, the last thing we learned is that when they announced the women's golf team won a zillion championships over the past 400 years, or the UNC baseball team set more records than the history of college record setting or something like that, the football fans didn't care. However when they announced that the women's frisbee golf team beat Duke, the crowd went wild, and waved their Lilly Pulitzer Tar Heel scarves with all the intensity they could muster. Quite a scene....

Reserved For Mothers Of Boys

2011-10-14T14:58:00.002-04:00

While reading Jacob's story he was wiggling and pulling his underwear. I asked if it was twisted, which can often be the case now that he is solo in the potty. He said yes, so he stood up and I pulled his pants and undies down only to see a mini-erection.

Staring at me.

"It's really big now." he says.

Great.

"Well, it won't stay like that." I say.

"I like it like this," as he mangles it.

"If you do that, it will stay like that." I instruct.

"Well, I'm just going to leave my pants off and hear the story like that."

"No. We're not doing that. In this house, we have stories with pants on."

Good God.

In No Particular Order

2011-10-13T14:05:00.005-04:00

1) I do not buy candy corns because of my lack of self-control.

2) Knowing there is a babysitter scheduled makes the week look SOOO much brighter.

3) Since becoming a regular coffee drinker, I despise a pumpkin spice latte. Too orange, sweet, and chemical-tasting. That makes me sad. And, I am wondering if it will ruin a gingerbread latte as well?

4) Jacob is funny. Really funny. I like him being 3.

5) I need some good leads on boy clothes that don't suck. Anyone?

6) I need some good leads on me clothes that don't suck. Anyone?

7) I have rekindled my relationship with beautiful yarn.

8) The kids want to decorate the house for Halloween, and I think we will do it this year. Suggestions?

9) My friend just opened a kids clothing site. She is sassy, and so are the clothes!

10) Dan and I are debating: Far away caribbean vacation for 10 year anniversary OR Low key luxury hideaway vacation within driving distance and finish refinishing our bathroom?

11) I applied for a job yesterday. I don't know if I want a real job.

12) We are getting new gutters. You are J.E.A.L.O.U.S. aren't you?

13) I finally bought rain boots and leggings. Are they still stylish?

14) I bet with my new boots and new gutters, we will have a huge drought.

15) I want to buy a little partitioned plate for the boys. They will eat veggies if served as an "appetizer". If you see any cute ones, send them my way.

Eleven Rules According to Jacob

2011-10-10T13:07:00.004-04:00

12 is a toe number. As in, you can not get to 12 without using your toes to count.
There are 'home clothes' and 'outside home clothes'.
If you are wearing a band-aid, that part of your body must stick out of: covers, a chair, a shirt or pants.
If one goes potty, then a story must immediately follow. (This is a backfire of my rule that I will not read bedtime stories until one has use the potty.)
There is David at school, David of Rachel and David, and David of "No, David!". They are not the same person.
Anything you eat after dinner is "breakstfast", unless you have eggs for dinner, which means you have just woken up and do not need to go to bed.
Wearing a helmet to ride a bicycle is important. Wearing just the helmet is equally important as it shows you were just riding a bicycle.
Yelling and closing your eyes while stomping is just as effective as hiding.
Going into your room as a consequence is not acceptable. Sitting just outside the door is better.
"Yesterday" refers to anything longer than 3 minutes ago.
Boys have penises. Girls have butts. So, obviously, "Girls have penises in their butts."

Your Reach

2011-10-07T06:08:00.005-04:00

Yesterday Jacob went to the pediatrician for his 3 year check up. The pediatrician was the only doctor left that I could go to alone. But it may not be thanks to a student nurse.

What happened was an innocent mistake. She miscalculated his weight when converting it from pounds to kilos.

I know, whoopie. Big F-ing deal. A little miscalculation. Human error. She's a learning student. She didn't overdose him with anesthesia or decide to use a scalpel to make her initials instead of an incision. She did some math wrong.

The wrong math she did caused me to have an entirely misguided visit with the pediatrician. Banking the whole visit on an inflated weight. On an inflated sense of success for Jacob's growth and eating.

It sent me home feeling like we were coming out from under one illness in our house. Like we were mastering it. Like there was improvement, hope, and a small light on the horizon. Like there was a path to normal that did not involve dragging Jacob to more specialists for more invasive and expensive testing.

Thank God for my husband.

Having texted Dan from the pediatrician's office with what she told me his weight was in pounds, he had converted it to kilos on Google (did you know you could just type it into the search bar, and it will do conversions there? Handy tip of the day!) When he got home to look at the growth chart printouts, he was confused. We did the conversions again, and something was wrong. We called the office. They were confused. Dan took him back in and our 5 hour high shattered around us.

In fact, Jacob has stagnated in weight, and lost percentiles in BMI and stature. Not literally shrunk, but gotten smaller compared to boys his age.

I'm sure the nursing student has no idea that one calculation meant so much to a family.

I'm sure she has no idea that the breadth of her mistake sent our emotions into such an unstable place.

And that for a few hours we thought we were done with Duke and specialists and doctors. When now, we will be heading back for more.

I'm sure she will make other mistakes, and I'm sure that other times she won't make mistakes and still her words will impact others in an even more dramatic fashion. She will be the bearer of news of test results that are life changing. She will be the nurse who holds a dying child's hand and explains to them what is going on in their body.

Just like I am sure that I have made mistakes in what I have said as a professional, as a mother, as a friend. And that my words have had an impact beyond what I expected.

So while tarring and feathering the nurse seemed like a good idea to me yesterday, today I feel differently.

I think it is more important to realize that your words, your actions, and your decisions are the beginning of a chain that extends into the lives of others in ways that you never expected.

That if you blow off a friend, or yell at a child, or fail to follow through on something, you really have no idea what the reach is of your action. And that by just being mindful of your own actions, you can make your impact on others a little softer, a little easier. Maybe one day that softness will continue on to change someone's impact on your life.

Three!

2011-10-06T13:57:00.005-04:00

You insist on having things that are green, like cups, plates, shoes, pants, papers, and candies because they are the color of your "life saver".

You worship Asher and continually ask when you can ride the bus, do puzzles, go to school, or use a grown up car seat like him.

You kick a soccer ball like you are going for blood. You may be small but you are a force to be reckoned with.

You got your first set of Legos for your birthday from Uncle Scott and Aunt Stacey. You freak out when someone tells you they are "delicate" or "hard to put together", yet you crush them the same way you crushed a butterfly in the science museum.

You have a shaving kit for the bathtub.

You have used 53 band-aids (which were a birthday present) in the 11 days since your birthday. You have no cuts.

You always need a drink before bed, and no one is allowed to bring it to you except for Mommy.

You have mastered the pout.

You are usually the instigator. Quiet and stealth-like, you stir things up and then sit back to watch. We thought it was Asher, but we are onto you.

You have kept some baby phrases such as, "I don't like she" and, "NO! I! I! I! I! I do it!"

You love fish sticks, waffles and cinnamon flavor.

You have also mastered the negotiation. "Well, how about I just have onnnnne more?"

Your second favorite thing from your birthday is a card that plays "Happy Birthday" when you open it. You are mesmerized by it.

You can't say "girl". You try really hard but you can't get the "g-r" sound. You say things like, "guh-rrrrrrr-illed cheese" and "When is the guh-ril coming over to play?" We love it because it keeps the baby feel in the house just a while longer.

Overall, three is love. It is happiness. It is frustration. It is delicious.

Read about your arrival here.

Read about one here.

And two here.

Yoga Meets Bon Jovi

2011-10-03T21:31:00.004-04:00

I know. It sounds ridiculous.

There is only one person I know of who could make it the opposite of ridiculous.

My Charlotte BFF and I signed up for a workshop since Dolly was back in town. I had no idea what we were in for, as is usually the case with her classes. You think you know, and then she pushes you to the edge, and you find yourself doing a little cat-cow to Sweet Emotion with your abs on fire.

You find that holding bridge for 4 minutes while moving to Sexual Healing was easier than you thought. And harder.

And that Pat Benetar has a place in yoga for invigorating and working your shoulders.

Traditionally, yoga is serious, quiet, and meditative, but my Sunday practice was just perfect with the addition of Madonna, JBJ, and Dolly beautiful dreadlocks.

My thighs were on fire and sweat was dripping off my elbows and someone swore out loud during one of the sequences and everyone cheered.

So the next time I roll out my mat, I will probably be quiet and still and breathe in appropriate fashion. But in my head, I will think of Dolly rocking out like Jennifer Beals. And neither she nor anyone else there needed a body double.

Om Shanti, Dolly.

What I Am Thankful For In 5722

2011-09-29T16:27:00.006-04:00

After the Rosh Hashanah service, Asher informed us, "Y'know, when Miriam (the teacher leading services) asked us what some things were that we were thankful for at Rosh Hashanah times? When (kid) was talking to me, he leaned over and told me I should say 'Jesus' . "

Dan and I look at each other in abject horror. Yelling, 'smelly butts' at the children's service would be more accepted than saying Jesus as what you are thankful for.

"I didn't though," commented Asher.

And that is why I am thankful. Good judgement in action.

L'Shanah Tovah

Bang.

2011-09-26T14:58:00.004-04:00

Boys and guns. Do they have to go together like peanut butter and jelly?

Whether you call it a shooter, a popper, a gun, a weapon, or a X-42 Sting Ray Missile Launcher, I think they just are interested in them.

We've encountered all kinds of play gun rules in homes. Everything from the none-banned-never to anything-goes-as-long-as-you-don't-aim-them-at-the-face. Our house falls somewhere in the we-don't-own-any-except-for-one-play-water-gun-but-we-turn-everything-else-into-a-weapon and no-touching-a-body and stop-if-the-person-doesn't-like-it gun kind of household.

So while walking the dog this weekend, two little neighbor boys were lying on the side of the road aiming gigantic bazooka style supersoakers at me as I walked toward them. I walked by and told them that I didn't like guns pointed at me. When I passed them, they continued to aim and shoot at me. The guns were waterless, but I have to admit it made me very uncomfortable to have a gun pointed at me. So when I passed them again I said, "Please stop. I don't like that." As I waked away from them, they continued to aggressively aim and shoot. I turned around and in my best teacher voice said, "I told you I don't like that and I am going to get your mother if you don't stop." They retreated until I was gone, but I am sure it won't be the last harassment from them.

As you can imagine, this sparked a LOOOOOONG conversation with Asher.

I love when he is working things out. The conversation weaved through 9/11 and the killing of Osama bin Laden, the Navy Seals, Star Wars guns, Bugs Bunny's guns and water guns. He understood the history, military significance, and was really working out why people had guns and when they were used. He was trying to grasp 'pretend guns' and 'real guns'. He was sorting, making rules, working out the details, and his interest was increasing at an alarming rate as he got into it.

And then I panicked.

"Asher, do you know what to do if you see a gun in someone's home?"

Silence. Nothing. Reality check.

"Well....no."

Then Dan and I directed an intense conversation with him. Because what have we just done? Given him information and peaked his curiosity. All I can think is about this, or this, or that Asher talks to some kid I know whose parent has a a seemingly harmless old WWII gun at their house and the kid brings it to school cause it's interesting, and then Asher is looking at a handgun at school.

Crazy? I wish.

Impossible? Not at all.

Real. Very, very real.

Ten dramatic minutes later, and Asher is mostly trained.

"Asher, what do you do if you see a gun in someone's home?"

"RUN AWAY! And immediately tell a grown up."

"Do you touch it?"

"NO! NEVER! RUN AWAY! And immediately tell a grown up."

"What if someone shows you a gun or knife or matches at recess?"

"RUN AWAY! And immediately tell a grown up."

"What if it's at circle time and you're not supposed to talk, but a friend pulls it out of his pocket?"

"BREAK THE RULES AND TALK, immediately tell a grown up."

"Good, Asher! Guns are very serious and should never be touched or played with. They can hurt or kill people."

"But, Mom? If guns are so bad, it doesn't seem right that Bugs Bunny uses pretend guns then, does it?"

And that, Asher is why you will get a Democratic nomination one day.

God, I love that kid.

What if....

2011-09-22T14:27:00.004-04:00

You were used to a pretty carefree lifestyle, where you only had to be somewhere 9 hours a week.

You could sleep until 8.

Someone forced you to spend a solid hour having all of your toys to yourself without any interruptions every day.

You could snack whenever you wanted, on pretty much anything in the house. Especially if you paired a healthy snack with a treat snack.

You had plenty of time to chat while you were eating.

You had only the people you liked as your friends and didn't have to see people you didn't like.

You had someone at your beck and call to fix your toy/boo boo/or make you a sandwich all day.

You could rest when you were tired, run when you felt like it, and talk whenever you wanted to.

You understood everything that was going on, in fact, you were the director of most things that were going on.

And then one day, you got all hyped up to go to a new place but when you got there you couldn't do any of those things any more.

I think I would feel like it sucked a little too.

I'm just hoping Kindergarten gets a little better soon.

The Weekend in Quotes

2011-09-18T20:13:00.002-04:00

I'm hot.

I'm cold.

My foot hurts.

My leg hurts.

My finger hurts.

My elbow hurts.

I need a bandaid.

I can't waaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiit for my dinner.

I'm toooooooooo hungry!

I don't want eggs.

I don't want noodles.

I don't want that book.

I don't want to go to the store.

I don't want to take a bath.

I don't want to brush my teeth.

I can't sleep, I'm too tired.

I had a bad dream.

I need a drink.

I need a snack.

I need a new toy.

Do you know that the Emperor has an evil light saber?

Do you know that Han Solo can beat Jaba the Hut in the Death Star?

Do you know that Yoda used to be taller?

I don't want to ride my bike.

Can I PLEEEEEEASE ride my bike?

I don't want to walk.

Can I PLEEEEEEEASE walk?

I can't sleep, my hair is sticking up.

Can we watch a show?

How about now?

Can we watch another show?

And just when you tuned EVERYTHING out....

Sometimes when you see a cat, you can just call it a p***y.

Thrice Bedazzled

2011-09-15T13:00:00.003-04:00

1. Two separate friends who moved to the midwest and hated it, discussed Bedazzling with me today. If you are a friend of mine, never move to the midwest. It will eat at your brain and make you question if Bedazzling is a good thing.

2. There are 2 conditions in which Bedazzling is acceptable.

You are under 12 years old
You live in the East Village

3. My favorite shirt growing up was my sparkle off the shoulder "Breakdance" sweatshirt. It was the closest thing I owned to anything Bedazzled.

Forward Retrospective

2011-09-14T13:18:00.003-04:00

While putting Jacob down for a nap today, he asked me to sing the alphabet backwards to him.

(What, don't you do this? I also sing all of the presidents in order, thank you very much.)

Then I asked him to sing to me. In a rare moment of sweetness and compliance he sang the ABCs. It sounded as you would expect it to, slow and deliberate. Off key. LMNO bunched together. Blankie rubbing on his nose and foot swinging as he sang.

And all I could think was that at his wedding as he is walking down the aisle, I will still see him as an almost three year old snuggled up in my arms singing the alphabet.

I'll Sell You Two Tickets to the Gun Show

2011-09-12T15:31:00.003-04:00

Jacob: Mom, tomorrow I am going to wear my tank top shirt to school.

Mom: Oh, really?

Jacob: Yes. Is that the one where your arms are out and there are no sleeves?

Mom: Yes.

Jacob: Yeah. I'm going to wear that one so I can show Lillian and Ellie. They'll like that.

Ten and Now

2011-09-09T13:13:00.006-04:00

Ten years ago, after I helped to evacuate my school, which was on 11th street and 7th Avenue, right across from St. Vincent's hospital, I took the subway home. The F train. With a fellow teacher named Edgar. We switched into the sneakers we had stowed in our bags for the routine after school workout, and prepared to walk home over the Brooklyn Bridge. When we walked past the F train, it was running. I hate the F train.

The train was quiet, like it always is. Like an elevator, where you are all going to the same place, but you don't intrude on the space with words. Where it is not acceptable to talk to people you don't know, even though you are sharing space and time. No one spoke of the stream of smoke seeping into the crystal blue sky as the train chugged past. But we were living it together.

Ten years later. I think of the Irish custodian who held me in his arms while I cried like a baby on 7th Avenue watching the first tower burn. I think of the mother of Evan. She was the one who told us in the classroom that something was going on. She dropped him off, and then left him in our care at school. She came back later, breathless and tear-streaked to pick him up. I think of the way we made the kids feel like it was an adventure to eat lunch in the classroom because we were on lockdown, and how Lizzy cried because she couldn't work the listening center. It was only the fourth day of school. I think of Frances, Naomi, Bari, Laura, Stacey, Joaquin. Of Lois and Kelley and Alice. Of a life I don't lead anymore.

Ten years later, the day plays out for me like an old fashioned movie. Images that don't sequence together. Images that are choppy, cut off, and erratic. But not faded.

Ten years ago, Dan and I made a Boboli pizza for dinner. We had been planning on it. We had to eat dinner, right? Even though we had to close our windows so that the acrid smoke blowing across the East river didn't choke us. I don't really like Boboli pizza.

Every year I struggle.

Do I want to see it again, to relive it, to make sure I still feel it?

I still feel it. It is still raw. I smell it and hear it. But some part of me needs to reopen it.

Would I feel the same way if I still lived in New York? It's not why we left. In fact, it would be a major reason to go back. We are authentic. We were there. We weren't outside of the city, or had a friend there. We were THERE. Participating. Involved. Affected.

Last year, I was in NYC. It felt right. It was the right place to be. It was my home again. I didn't need to decide to watch or not watch, remember or not. I breathed in the new New York that has been changed because of it.

And now, ten years later when we don't live there, but we were there, I feel like I did on the subway. Quiet and reflective. With stories ready to burst out of my mouth and desperate for a connection. But respectful of the way that like on the F train, while we are all joined by something, no one wants to share.

A Dimple That Will Melt Hearts

2011-09-08T21:33:00.003-04:00

Asher did not miss his chance to show his colors either.

Contemplating.

Chilling.

Working.

Exertion.

Future GQ.

It takes my breath away when I think about how much more of the future Asher I can see in him than the past Asher.

The Many Faces of Jacob

2011-09-07T13:28:00.004-04:00

While at the wedding, there were many, many people with cameras. And the boys were not camera shy at all. I am particularly fond of this series which captures Jacob's personality in most stages....

I made it up here.

I'm contemplating.

I see you looking at me.

WOAH! A swing!

How you doing?

'Sup, Mom?

That's right. I'm on it. I'm hanging.

Yeah! I did it!

Blow it up!

Beaming With Pride

2011-09-06T14:35:00.005-04:00

This weekend, my charming brother-in-law married an amazing woman (more on that to follow). Everyone went, and it was just picturesque.

This morning, the groom forwarded me an email from his new grandmother-in-law.

(Earl = grandfather-in-law; Teri= aunt of bride)

I liked your brothers very much and enjoyed watching the children

enjoying the day. I wanted to share this story with you. I was telling
Earl that the 5 year old cut in between Teri and I and said excuse
me...which was so cute that he was such a little gentleman, Earl told
me he was talking to Jill and the two year old at the play ground, and
when he left, he said, it was nice talking to you and put his hand out
and the little one shook Earl's hand. He loved it.

I'm melting. I don't care how they looked or what they did while I was standing there.

It's this.

This that makes the difference to me. How they act on their own.

What more could you ask from than then compliment of your children from an elderly stranger? Thank you, Scott for sharing. It was the perfect end to an amazing weekend.

Avett Brothers Groupie

2011-09-05T20:56:00.003-04:00

(You only need to watch the first 20 seconds)

(BTW... Anyone know how to turn these around?)

7.5 Hours

2011-08-31T13:54:00.003-04:00

What are you doing all of that time?

Did you sit on the bus or stand up?

Did you get to your classroom OK?

Did someone help you hang up your things?

Do you know where they are supposed to go?

What story did you read?

Did you learn any new words?

Was there a song? Did you sing it? Do you still say The Pledge of Allegiance? Is it in Spanish?

What about the kids? Are they nice to you? Do you talk to them?

Do you listen when they talk to you? Did you run or walk?

Why did you sit with the teacher at lunch? Did you do something you weren't supposed to? Are there assigned seats?

When do you start to feel tired? Did you use the bathroom? Did you ask before you went?

What about the math? Did you mix up 14 and 15 again, or do you have them straight now?

Did you like it? Did you get scared at all?

Were you lost or confused or did you enjoy it?

Did you think about me at all?

Did you wish you were home, or are you happy to be there?

What color marker did you choose? Are you doing your best?

Are the teachers getting the same picture of you that I have?

Will they work as hard as I have to make sure that you get everything out of it?

Do they realize, they are with you longer than I am now...

Are they good enough for you?

Not to Be Left Out

2011-08-30T14:08:00.003-04:00

Jacob started school this week too! He marched in like he owned the place, and scoffed at all the kids crying. Cool and collected when he wants to be!

MWF mornings are all mine for the taking.

How Was Your First Day of Kindergarten?

2011-08-29T15:36:00.005-04:00

What was the best part? The art teacher is named Mrs. Fox and she has a fox puppet named Mr. Fox. They are like a fox family.

What was the worst part? There was no worst part. We didn't even take a rest, and recess was really short. AND there was no science today. I wonder when we will get to the science room?

Who did you sit with on the bus? Jonah and Graham.

Walking to bus.

How was lunch? It was good, I didn't pick the chocolate milk because it wasn't a healthy choice. Wasn't that good, Mom?

Did you read any stories? Yes. We read that Kissing Hand book, and I was the only one with a heart in my pocket. I really wish I had a red one. The stories were in both English and then in Spanish. It was a really big book.

Kissing Hand heart

Who did you play with? Owen and a boy named Jack and someone who I didn't really meet, but he was my friend.

Anything else? Can you give me directions to the classroom? I couldn't find the right room, and so I went with Graham and stayed in his room because he told me to. Then a director person had to come and take me to the other room.

What are you going to do tomorrow? I hope we go to lava lessons and do science. I'll go back. It'll be good.

Bounding off of the bus!

How was YOUR day, Mom?

How Was Your First Day of Kindergarten???

2011-08-29T13:49:00.008-04:00

I was really excited!

I cried, but just a little.

I thought about you a lot.

I talked to my friends.

I had lunch.

I did some work.

I made something special for you.

I used the computer.

I read an excellent book, and wrote a little bit.

I missed you.

Oh, did you mean Asher?

To Do List, August 26

2011-08-26T13:58:00.006-04:00

1) Empty contents of fridge into garage fridge. Does not all fit. Crap.

2) Take Jacob to school.

3) Take Asher to 1st day of Kindergarten. Half day. Shed one tear. Not too shabby. Monday is the real deal!

4) Shop for unexpected soy-free dairy-free misplaced vacationing Canadian Irene refugee friends and their twin 9 month olds.

5) Get Asher from school.

6) Go to Tot Shabbat and pick up Jacob.

7) Meet Best Buy delivery men to get the new fridge.

8) Lunch and nap everyone.

9) Clean like a crazy person while the fridge cools.

10) Call Samsung and complain that the fridge is not cooling.

11) Continue waiting for "Power Cool" to work, all while watching my gluten-free and new dairy- free, soy-free groceries (read: lettuce and chicken) sit on the counter.

12) Contemplate where to put patio furniture, umbrella, and outdoor toys. Also, look at trees in yard and wonder if any will do just the right thing to land us a new roof when Irene passes through.

13) Read that Jeter and Minka Kelly split up. Spend 30 minutes trying to google why this happened.

14) Check on fridge. Not cooled yet.

15) Watch lettuce continue to wilt.

16) Drag new fridge box to playroom.

17) Contemplate warm beer, warm cheese, or raisins for lunch.

18) Decide to clean out DVR. Obviously.

19) Freezer? Still not cooling.

20) Time for warm beer and to wait for Canadians and Irene.

Be safe, y'all.

Get Out Your Waterproof Mascara

2011-08-25T14:29:00.007-04:00

From the minute they are born, you prepare them for a path of independence.

You want them to roll over, crawl, and fall asleep on their own.

You want them to be healthy, happy, and interested in the world.

You encourage curiosity,

You want them to explore, find new things, and meet new people.

They begin to develop their own personalities, their own ideas.

They even go to "Mom's Morning Out" for a few hours here and there. But really, you are still in charge. You send in a snack and talk to the teacher at each pick up and drop off.

You learn what they love, what makes them happy.

They get big personalities, with quirks and idiosyncrasies. Wearing all the same color, only eating meatballs, and reading Where the Wild Things Are twenty times a day.

Their imaginations run wild. They are kings, Stormtroopers, and scientists. You play along side of them and encourage them.

Then, they start to look a lot less like a baby, and a lot more like a kid.

They do kid things, like not tell you what is going on at preschool. Or make up an entire game of post office and play it for hours with a friend.

They leave you a little more. It is good. For them and for you. They get other points of view, gain more independence, and learn how to act like themselves when you are not there.

They continue to amaze you. They climb trees and catch baseballs. They know things about rocks and bodies, and are more intuitive about feelings and social situations than you give them credit for. You have to start making phone calls in private, because they sell you out on something that they weren't supposed to be paying attention to. But you are proud of them.

And then you cry when preschool is over. Didn't it just start? And all the cliches come crashing down around you about time and marching and savoring. You won't be there for every minute. What will you miss? But your kid is strong. Ready. Anticipating.

He looks at kindergarten as his start to have the whole world in front of him.

And that is what you have always wanted for him.

In Case You Thought We Were Free of Wildlife

2011-08-24T15:08:00.001-04:00

Think again!

A bird is furiously trying to peck/nest/commit suicide somewhere outside the office window. I can't find her, but I hear her. Maybe she is trying to take shelter from Irene and the earthquakes.

Or maybe her birdie sons didn't pick up their Legos and she can't take it.

Dan killed a Palmetto bug the size of California last night.

And, I picked up a dead lizard off of the family room floor today. Hopefully it was Torre who dragged that in. I say hopefully lightly.

My Thoughts Exactly

2011-08-24T06:24:00.002-04:00

I don't know this woman, but I love her. She is brilliant.

That is why I just ordered three books about men.

How to Raise a Gentleman: A Civilized Guide to Helping Your Son Through His Uncivilized Childhood

Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

The Male Brain

I'm outnumbered, and I'm losing. If I can't figure it out soon, I'm going to start tramping around with a light saber and mismatched clothes making sound effects all day.

And Here is An Example from the Ming Dynasty

2011-08-23T06:33:00.002-04:00

Asher: Mom, when were you born?

Me: 1975.

Asher: Wow, the 19's. Was that in olden times?

Fighting the Lego Takeover

2011-08-21T21:35:00.006-04:00

I need advice, assistance, a strategy.

Nothing makes me happier than a tidy room. Well, maybe a good Malbec. Or a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Or a week away in a tropical paradise...

But on a daily basis T.I.D.Y. makes me happy.

Enter: Legos.

They are everywhere. There are police gun hammocks, racer shooter cars, pizza stores, small guys riding motorcycle boat jails, and all sorts of instruments of warfare.

But, the boys do not like to clean them up. "NO!!!! We aren't done!!!! Can't we leave it? I just have five more pieces!!!"

I understand the need for long term projects, creativity, planning, etc. But also? If you want me to wash your underwear pick up the damn legos so I can get your laundry basket. Not to mention the dog choking hazard they present. I fear that if I let it go, one day I will walk into the room and they will have barricaded themselves into a Lego structure they can not exit.

So we come to an impasse.

I need tidy. I can't get to laundry, windows, lights, bed, dressers, kids without having 20 pieces jammed into my feet.

What should we do? I contemplated this thing. But it doesn't solve the in progress structures. A table? Like this? I'd pay for something big, for sure. A regular table? A mat on the floor that they have to stay on?

What you got out there? What do you do? How do you solve this? I'm open.

Please Pass Me a Hammer So I Can Continue To Bang It Onto My Own Head

2011-08-18T19:48:00.004-04:00

Alternately Titled: Why Summer Must Come To An End

Asher: Let's say the name of diving boards.

Jacob: OK!

Asher: Tree diving board!

Jacob: Car diving board!

Asher: Spinning car diving board!

Jacob: Boogie diving board butt!

Asher: Darth Vader diving board!

Jacob: Inside diving board!

Asher: Sponge Bob diving board!

Jacob: Dining room table wiggle diving board!

15 minutes go by of continued torture

Asher: OK! Now, let's say the names of umbrellas!

Jacob: OK!

Asher: Tree umbrella!

Jacob: Car umbrella!

Asher: Spinning car umberlla!

Jacob: Boogie diving umbrella!

Asher: Darth Vader umbrella!

WTH? This isn't even a game!

The Beach: The Last Installment

2011-08-16T14:02:00.006-04:00

The last few days of the beach we spent just our family.

Just the four of us.

There were more holes.

We read, swam, hugged,

collected shells, played games,

and lazed.

We exhaled, slowed down, and enjoyed being present.

In yoga, they say,

"Are you nowhere, or are you now here?"

We were there.... and it felt amazing.

Coffee: Gateway Drug or Adult Necessity?

2011-08-10T13:49:00.006-04:00

The answer to the quiz in my previous post was most definitely NOT A. Most likely a combination of B, C, and D.

Since the beach, I am dumber human being. I have no idea why. I am not this kind of person.

I call too early for Dr. appointments. Like, so early, that their schedules are not available yet. I make Dan leave for the movies about 30 minutes before the previews are going to start. We sometimes can't even get into the theater because they are not ready for seating yet. I never miss a day of walking Torre, taking a vitamin or of having Asher practice piano. I am legitimately concerned that if I do not make my bed for one day I might be in physical pain.

Which brings me to B, coffee. I liked NOT drinking coffee. I liked NOT having a vice. It went along with the part of my personality that allowed me to wake up and function 5 minutes before my alarm went off every day. But I like the taste. I like the spring it puts in my step. I like nursing it in the morning, and microwaving it twenty times so it is hot until the last drop.

However, have you ever been around me caffeinated? It's... well... let's just say the dust bunnies and to-do list have no chance against me. I also have a hint of a compulsive personality. I know, I know.... hard to believe, with all the talk of neglected bed-making physically hurting me. Don't even get me started on what happens to the universe when there is toothpaste on the sink.

So I fear that if I START to drink coffee that I will not be able to stop. Let me share a legend, which I can not confirm or deny. One year when the Samoas came from those hateful little cookie wielding Girl Scouts, there may or may not have been a giant post-it note calendar taped to the box with a pen nearby so that one could cross off each time a cookie was eaten so as to be certain that only 2 cookies per day had been eaten. And three on the last day, because really? Fifteen in a box? That is like ONE serving of Samoas. Any normal human NEEDS some checks and balances to not eat the whole box in one sitting, I mean look at the government, what kind of people run our country? The people who can't keep their hands off of the Samoas, that's who!!

Right. Coffee. Since I was afraid of the addictive nature of coffee, I tried to stop drinking it after I indulged daily at the beach. And therefore, I blame most of those issues on that. And since then, I m dabbler, an occasional user. Because a girl has to get crap done!

But I continue to waver...Coffee? Yes or no? Can I handle another vice? Does wine fall into the same category? I already have my quota of that. One glass a day and a few extras on the weekend.

What will be next? Espresso? Coffee in the afternoon? Will I forget to brush my teeth next? Not make the bed or wash dishes? Will this new habit lead to the demise of our finely tuned household? Or is it about time I enter the grown up world of caffeinated human beings?

And most importantly, can you dunk a Samoa in your coffee?

Quiz

2011-08-09T07:16:00.005-04:00

1) Which if the following is true about yesterday?

A. I put both contacts into the same eye.

B. I went to my first swimming lesson at the wrong pool.

C. I drove around for a half an hour because I went the wrong way to pick up Asher at camp.

D. I had to call the pediatrician because Jacob did a header off of the couch onto the hardwood floors.

Better yet...

2) Which is one reason why all of the above are true?

A. I'm pregnant and have pregnancy brain.

B. I didn't have coffee yesterday.

C. I am deeply saddened because our friends have moved.

D. I have finally, finally lost it.

Indiana is Just as Stupid as Iowa

2011-08-04T06:40:00.007-04:00

Last year, the midwest took one of my friends. I was sad. I was angry. She fought Iowa, and she returned to Charlotte.

Chapel Hill FINALLY gave us a family that we could love as closely and as easily as our Charlotte friends.

We even joked that they were their replacements. They shared the same professions, they had twins, the hated W., they tolerated Torre. They are smart, kind, caring, funny. I trust them with my kids. We hang out without makeup and when we smell bad. We even vacationed together.

And now they are ruining my life because they are moving to the effing midwest, just like Jules.

Well guys, I have news for you... you'll be back since you are following in their footsteps. Also, just FYI, you'll probably get pregnant out there too. Just to let you know, as that is how your Doppleganger's worked.

Don't freak out, I was just kidding.

Anyway.

I KNOW it is a good opportunity. Blah.

I KNOW they will be happy and successful there. BLAH BLAH.

I KNOW it will help Rachel advance her career and give David experience, and they will be closer to family and old friends. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I will miss them.

Dan will miss them.

My kids will miss their kids.

Asher will have to go to kindergarten without the girls.

I am happy for them and sad for us.

I am grateful that we had time together at the beach this summer. It will forever be a memory that I cherish.

You have been such a wonderful part of our life here, and you will be dearly missed.

And, just for the record, I will be coming to Indy, so you'd better stock up on brie.

Love you all...

The Coolest* Moms

2011-08-03T14:33:00.003-04:00

Talk the beach digger driver into digging a hole for thier kids.

Seriously, when 2 moms are at the beach with 6 kids, this is the best way to get a hole dug.

Huge.

Happiness.

Baby Containment.

*or laziest, but don't judge.

Beach Asher is...

2011-08-01T20:36:00.007-04:00

Playful

Persistent

Meticulous

A Ladies Man

Collector

Thoughtful

Peaceful

(If you missed Beach Jacob, you can find him here.)

Beach Jacob is...

2011-08-01T13:19:00.002-04:00

Sandy

Busy

Smiling

Hungry

Pensive

Superman

Reasoning

2011-07-20T18:23:00.005-04:00

Asher: Daddy, we lost Jacob's ball.

Daddy: Where did it go?

Asher: (thoughfully) Daddy, when you lose stuff you don't know where it goes.

A Jedi is Born

2011-07-20T11:41:00.005-04:00

I caved.

I let the boys watch the original Star Wars movie yesterday. Which is now called A New Hope. Which is also Episode IV. Which has been digitally remastered to include a scene with Jabba The Hut that was NOT in the version I remember from my childhood, and in which Harrison Ford does not look as dashing as he does while playing Indiana Jones, IMHO. I choose a man who kills snakes over Stormtroopers.

But we watched it. In the afternoon. I felt like I had to. I know that age 5, and *gasp* age 2 are a little young for those movies. And I know plenty of judgey-pants out there. I also know several of my highly respected mom friends who have been in the same boat. Who have let their too-young children watch these movies.

Here was my driving motive: Not wanting Asher to be the weird kid.

Recently, a rising first-grader moved into the neighborhood. Total BMOC, except that we like him a lot. Asher ADORES him. But he is FAST. Not running fast, like savvy fast. He probably knows about sex kind of fast. I think school does that to them. I think they are engulfed into a whole world of things that they didn't know about. Asher and this little boy talk about Star Wars. Asher and all of his friends talk about Star Wars. This kid though, he KNOWS about it. He called Asher out on it (gently, but firmly) when Asher was rambling on about some part of it that he had no idea about.

Asher has no Star Wars street cred. And let's face it, he can be a bit of a talker.

(Here is where I win the award for understatement of the year because if you DON'T know Asher you wouldn't know that you could DIE FROM HIM TALKING. He could talk until your ears bled and you begged for mercy. That is why I give nice gifts to his teachers so they will find that extra ounce of patience every day to listen to him take 14 minutes to tell you what he had for breakfast.)

So, I needed to give him something REASONABLE to talk about. At least he could say he was scared of the scene with the trash compactor. Or he liked the part where they were battling in the Death Star. At least it is legitimate. At least he will not have to make up seven-hour fantasy stories based on what his friend have told him about the movie. He has finally had the Star Wars Experience. (Cue Imperial Death March)

And it was truly magical for him.

MOM! THE DEATH STAR!

MOM! THE WOOKIE!

MOM! A BLUE LIGHT SABER!

MOM! THERE'S LUKE!

I was glad he was so excited. And Jacob? He could have cared less. Which is exactly why it worked out.

May the Force Be With You

(Note: Asher is doing his imitation of Luke gaining The Force.

He practiced for about 10 minutes getting the hand on knee just right.)

Road Trip Playlist

2011-07-19T16:48:00.003-04:00

What should I have on our playlist that will keep me sane, and keep the kids entertained as we boogie off to the beach?

Anything welcome...

10 Things I Learned From My Kid-Free Staycation

2011-07-18T07:15:00.003-04:00

1) It is impossible to sleep past 7. Even if you stay in bed, you are really awake.

2) Going out and getting a babysitter is great. Going out for a slice of pizza and a beer at 3 pm and not needing a babysitter is even better.

3) Legos are everywhere. Even when your kids are not here. The magically multiply and show up in places you would not expect them to.

4) I am the world's sloppiest painter. I managed to get paint on Dan while I was not even in the room. It's like PigPen meets Picasso.

5) Dan and I should not start a painting business together, but we could start a business where we spend other people's lottery money at lightning fast speed.

6) In the game of Dan vs. Yellowjackets, the Yellowjackets are up by one. We have consulted on poison. Future results will follow.

7) When you are in your own home for 48 hours without your children, time plays tricks on you. It feels rebellious to not do things at the normal time, and not having to plan what you are going to do.

8) It is possible to miss your kids and enjoy the time away at the same time. Knowing they are in good hands is helpful.

9) The Crunkleton is my new favorite bar. You may not go there and order a Cosmo, a beer or a glass of wine. When there you must order something like a Mint Julep or an Old-Fashioned. It should be something that requires skill to make. Something old. Something solid. Maybe a Pimm's Cup.

10) I'm still glad I married Dan.

The Halfway Mark

2011-07-12T14:00:00.006-04:00

One hundred two degrees here today. July Fourth has come and gone. We are about halfway through our summer, so it's a good time to check in on the list.

Bulls Game-last year, rain. This year holy heat, Batman!
Life and Science - check.
Zoo- check
Library- weekly, check.
Visit Charlotte- twice already, a third time coming soon.
Aunt Billie & Uncle Ed- check, they made a lovely visit to Chapel Hill.
Reading, Writing, Play-doh - check.
Swimming- check!

Things we have done that are NOT on the list:

Play in a giant refrigerator box.
Catch fireflies.
Light fireworks.
Wear PJ's all day.
Go to camp.
Have dinner at the farm where we get our CSA.
Have a sleepover.
Make peaches and cream.

While it has not ALL been peaches and cream, it has proved to be quite an experience. Some days long, some short. Some good, some not so good. We still have a lot to do, and plenty to look forward to, like a trip to the beach, Grammy's house and some more lazing around.

Style of the Week

2011-07-07T12:59:00.003-04:00

Alternately Titled:

My First Shave

Fashion Forward Beyond His Times

Longing For Puberty

Do you have a better title? Please share!

Every Last Drop

2011-06-30T20:36:00.003-04:00

Sometimes they just use everything you have.

Some days run together in a blur of laundry, meals, baths, bedtimes, booboos, cleaning up, refereeing arguments, exterminators, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, dog walking, coming and going.

Sometimes you don't think you can squeeze out one more second of patience.

Some days are full of pools, ice cream, games, movies, legos, baking, bikes, stories, forts, flashlights, play doh, and old fashioned horsing around, but they don't fill their need.

Sometimes you can be present, focused, attentive, listening, loving, caring, playing, paying attention, giving choices, giving them control, and doing a damn commendable job as a parent.

And you can put them to bed thinking you did a pretty good job. You made it. It was a respectable day, even if it was ordinary.

And yet, it just doesn't feel like it was enough. Even if it was all you had.

Breakfast Quiz

2011-06-28T08:05:00.001-04:00

"Mom, can you guys give me some ways animals communicate with each other and their babies?"

Silence.

"I just need to know for something I am working on."

Adiós preescolar. Bienvenidos al jardín de infantes!

2011-06-26T13:54:00.003-04:00

Behold: The fabulous ceremony of preschool graduation, KJP style.

A tour of the Pre-K study on shoes.

This a representation of shoe, sewn and designed by the graduate.

The post-diploma joy.

Proud Daddy! Just think, today Pre-K, tomorrow, Princeton!

Proud Mama! Just think, woo-hoo no more preschool tuition!

Obligatory school celebratory cupcake. Loaded with sprinkles and frosting.

And in other news, Asher was chosen via lottery to be in Chapel Hill's dual language program. Half day Spanish, and half day English. Grades K-5 of bilingual education. That should be a little more useful than my 2 years of HS French. Anyone know how to say, "Hooray!" in Spanish? Google translator and I are going to become BFFs!

A Child's Voice

2011-06-22T21:46:00.007-04:00

That your actions have consequences and your voice has meaning is one of the greatest lessons I feel like we can give our children. It took me years to realize this as a child. I was forever being told to "Speak up!" I was not a child who made myself heard.

I do not feel like I have a child who needs to learn that lesson.

I am lucky enough to have a child who values his opinions. He understands that his words, his writing, his ideas are valuable, and powerful, and that they are worthwhile of action. They deserve to be heard, and that by speaking up, you can achieve great things.

Today, Asher had a taste of civil activism. Of community involvement. Of being heard, and being valued. For this, I am a proud mama.

Puss In Boots; Revised

2011-06-17T14:17:00.002-04:00

According to Jacob, this is the "Yogurt" fairy tale. Sometimes it is the "Yoga" fairy tale. But mostly the yogurt one.

Any guesses as to why?

No? You mean I can not hire you to decipher his every thought and word? Because I would pay you BIG money. B.I.G. All I have. It would be such a wonderful gift to know what was going on in his tiny, but complicated brain every time he opened his mouth and let loose with a wild demand, like, "READ ME THE YOGURT NOW!!!!!"

WTF?

Well, as we so stupidly did NOT realize. Puss in Boots has an ogre in the story.

Ogre= Yogurt OR Yoga

Also, when you read it, you must let him look at that one page the whole time. Which is rather tricky, in a 20 page fairy tale.

Seriously. BIG MONEY. The offer is out there...

Anyone?

Put Your Money Where Your Boo-Boo Is

2011-06-16T14:18:00.004-04:00

Yesterday the consensus was that band-aids should not be a battle. I asked for advice, and I have received.

Thank you.

Now, explain to me how to regulate the band-aid situation when in the span of 30 minutes, Jacob went all retro-tomato about the band-aid not being on his imaginary boo-boo correctly, and proceeded to use 9 Cars band-aids, one after another, to try to get it on correctly. He violently ripped off the ones I put on so he could, "Do it MYself!" (If you have not met him then you can not get the full effect of his complete indignation with being helped.) But really? Bandaging a thumb is no easy task, much less your OWN thumb. Especially when there is no injury there in the first place.

Do you know how many band-aids are left in the Cars package?

11.

That means I need you people to send me more band-aids, or come up with a better idea!

Opinions Welcome, Serious Issues Ahead...

2011-06-15T09:24:00.002-04:00

1) Jacob is dealing with an acute case of fashion band-aid-itis. That is, he wears anywhere from 1-4 band aids at a time in various places even though there is no injury. I can not curb his irrational need for wearing band-aids. Is this normal or some weirdly disturbing manifestation of all of the doctor crap we are dealing with?

2) I am thinking about starting to drink coffee in the morning. I have grown to love the smell, taste, and ritual. Is this a terrible habit to start? Will I regret it, or will it make my day easier to manage?

3) Should the boys be allowed to keep caught bugs in their rooms? I fear I started the trend with the fireflies I let them catch and keep in their rooms, but yesterday, it was a half-squished slug. I drew the line. Jacob protested. We are all paying dearly today for that battle (read: no one slept until after 9:30 because of the injustice created by requiring slugs to remain outside, hence a most un-civil disobedience ensued.)

All advice welcome.

Ripple

2011-06-13T14:40:00.003-04:00

Taking your child to the doctor should be like a perfect 10.0 dive into a pool. No splash. No wave. Sterile. Chlorinated. Straightforward. Directly in, climb out the other side.

For us, it is like a slow ripple, on a clear, still, vast lake, with nothing to break your fall. One that just keeps growing and growing.

We asked one question, over two years ago. "He's so HARD to nurse. What can I do?"

And the rings began. Spreading slowly to encompass specialties that I have never even heard of. Gathering people into the ring to give their opinions, and to critique the situation.

Last weekend we spent hours detailing OUR version of Jacob's medical history. It goes on for about 3 pages, and leaves more questions at the end than there were at the beginning. Each bullet point requiring follow-up, phone calls, or more digging into the past records.

We had to call in a life preserver. We had a 'coordination of care' meeting with the pediatrician. Thankfully, she has joined in the advocacy for what is best for Jacob, and for us, as his parents.

The thing I can't get over, is that he is NOT THAT SICK. He is developmentally normal. Happy (except for when you don't let him throw the cup away himself -THE NERVE!, or insist that band-aids are not a fashion statement, but have an actual purpose). He is just small. Maybe he is supposed to be small. Maybe not. But as soon as each person digs a little bit, they find something else suspicious, and send in another wave of reinforcements. I can't help but think of those that are dealing with all sorts of delays and life-threatening illnesses. How are they staying afloat? Keeping their jobs? Running a household? Taking care of their other kids?

They experience a full-on cannonball when then hit the water, causing tsunami like waves with lifelong ramifications. And while we just dipped our toe in, we all need a little help to stay afloat.

Sand-Bucket List 2011

2011-06-13T07:41:00.007-04:00

Considering today is the first day all schools are out, I thought I would post the kids list for the summer. I love doing this with the boys. It keeps us motivated. It gives us inspiration. Some of the things like play-doh (gluten free, of COURSE!) I think we do all the time, but we don't. The kids are still little enough to need me to facilitate a lot of the time. So this reminds us.

What you don't see is the actual calendar with things planned out each day. For example, today babysitter in the morning, pool in the afternoon. Thursday, swim lesson in the morning, library in the afternoon. I know. Neurosis. I'm sure that will appeal to some of you and your type-A selves who love office supplies and schedules. And I'm sure others will think I have killed summer vacation by planning it as such.

It works for them.

They have no idea this was part of Tuesday's schedule: swim lesson in the morning, ice cream in the afternoon.

Facelift

2011-06-10T06:17:00.006-04:00

A few months ago, there was a thunderstorm, and we woke up to find a shutter missing. No worries, the powerwashers were on the docket for a few days later. We figured they could fix it. While they were washing, they commented that it had been many, many years since our house had been painted. I think Vanilla Ice was at the top of the painters playlists the last time they touched up our home.

It's sort of like the time we had a little mold in our bathroom grout, but now we have a newly remodeled bathroom. Or the time we had a chimney sweep come to get the birds out of the chimney, but now we have a new chimney. This is the time we had a shutter fall off and then we had our entire exterior repainted and fixed.

We saw a house with a color we loved, so I stalked the woman for days. I rang her doorbell every morning when we walked the dog, but she contined to elude me. Finally I left a note on her front door explaining that I loved her paint colors, and could she email them to me? It worked!

I love the colors, and the names, too.

House: Weimaraner

Door: Dinner Party

I want that job. The one where you have to name paint colors and nail polishes. I remember sitting at lunch when I worked in NYC debating the nuances of the nail colors Ballet Slipper vs. Marshmallow. Which was pink pink, and which was white pink? And which would be best for a wedding? Clearly, the color Bliss, but it was too white pink, and not pink white.

I digress.

So, here it is.

Before: White gray; rotted masonite, chipped door, and tacky gold light fixtures. I know the house is hard to notice with the beautiful blooming Gingko tree on the side. But, do notice the dingy-ness.

In this one, try not to notice the beater Corolla in the driveway. Let's hope this is NOT the week we go in for an oil change and end up with a new car. See, we can't get a new car yet. We painted the house.

After: Brown gray, red red door, new shutters, updated fixtures, new doorknob, and reseeded front lawn.

Thank God we won't have to do that again until Vanilla Ice is back on top of the charts.

The Delicate Potty Dance

2011-06-08T14:23:00.005-04:00

I curse the poop that interrupts naptime.

The timing of the after lunch pooper is so delicate. Wait too long for the poop, and miss the window of nap. Put them to bed too early, and they wake up to poop, thus resulting in a missed nap.

Then there is today, where you think it is quiet, and all is well, and you hear a tiny voice, "Mommy? Can you wipe my bum?"

Blasted! The Nap Poop has struck again.

Blessed.

2011-06-07T14:53:00.001-04:00

Jacob, distressed: I blessed and my eyes are watering!

Can you guess what happened to him?

Summer Vacation Day 1: The Bar That Saved The Day

2011-06-06T08:11:00.004-04:00

I realize that I alluded to substance use in my last post, and now I am referencing a bar, but rest easy. It was a bar for the KIDS.

That doesn't make you feel better?

How about a BREAKFAST bar. An oatmeal bar, if you will.

Not only did it redeem the mood, but the littlest man shoveled a whole bowl of sugar dripping, raisin and walnut laden GF oatmeal into his little mouth which usually boycotts breakfast.

Now that is a great way to start the day, and keep me off of smack.

Summer Vacation Day 1

2011-06-06T07:20:00.004-04:00

7:20 AM

Already, I have cleaned up human pee from the carpet, broken up two fights, and threatened to take away TV for the day (why would I torture myself like that?) I have given two time estimates on when the afternoon playdate would be, written it down, and given it in terms of "after lunch, and before naps". I have answered questions about Star Wars and electricity, and been reminded we are playing Memory after dinner. I have dressed two kids, and myself, brushed three sets of teeth, made oatmeal- regular and gluten-free, and made 3 beds.

Day ONE, people.

I'm going to need to take up coffee or heroin to keep up this kind of pace.

Orange You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

2011-06-01T18:26:00.001-04:00

Here is a smidgen of what is going on over here:

Knock Knock. Who's there? Basketball. Basketball who? Basketball hoop street.

Knock Knock. Who's there? Sunscreen. Sunscreen who? Orange you glad I said sunscreen?

Knock Knock. Who's there? T-Rex. T-Rex who? T-Rex Dinosaur Train!

Knock Knock. Who's there? School bus. School bus who? Did you know a school bus is yellow and goes to Kindgergarten?

Knock Knock. Who's there? Bagel. Bagel who? Orange you glad I said bagel?

Knock Knock. Who's there? Umbrella. Umbrella who? Umbrella outside patio umbrella!

I need:

A: A strategy on how to TEACH what is funny.

B: Enough mojitos to think these are funny.

Lions and Tigers And Bears...

2011-05-27T10:09:00.002-04:00

I can help to catch this bear.

He will be in our yard/attic/crawl space in about 12 hours.

Guaranteed.

Is She Bigger Than A Hot Dog?

2011-05-25T14:25:00.002-04:00

I love babies. I loved my babies, and I love other people's babies.

This baby is so sweet. Look at the mouth. At the little 'O'.

This is the baby of mine who wouldn't hold the new baby unless his BFF was sitting there to help him. He was not really interested in the littlest one, just his big buddies.

This baby of mine wouldn't let go of the littlest baby. "I want her to kiss me!" He kept insisting. He counted her fingers, and toes. Checked out that she had eyes, a mouth, ears and a nose. Wanted to look at her belly button, and then changed his mind when he saw how stumpy it was. He was in love.

These are our big babies. And it is hard to believe that at one point, they were all that small. And yes, Jacob. She is bigger than a hot dog.

Mom, What's For Dinner?

2011-05-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

Imagine your eating. Imagine how much of your day is spent buying food, preparing food, eating food, cleaning up food.

How much time do you think it is?

When you live alone, maybe 15 minutes a meal, 40 preparing them? 1 hour a week shopping?

I estimate this prep to clean up for our family of 4:

Daily:

45 minutes breakfast

1 hour lunch

1.5 hours dinner

45 minutes snacks

Weekly:

shopping: 3 stores, 1 hour each

planning meals, looking up GF recipes, looking for sales on million dollar flour: 2 hours

(so an hour a day)

If you add all that up, that is 5 hours a day revolving around food.

Now imagine that you have no idea if you are doing it right. That every step of the process is not enjoyable. That every moment is filled with anxiety and frustration and worry. That at each step you feel like you might make a wrong move. That if the raisins TOUCH the gluten-free oatmeal it will cause the Apocalypse, not because of contamination, but because of TWO. Imagine there is a very small chance that you might hit the jackpot and get lucky, and someone will eat an entire meal without yelling, crying, leaving the table, or throwing something, but you will never be able to replicate the results, and most likely you will lose.

And imagine that there is no reprieve. No vacation. Nothing to show for your efforts because the tiny person you are trying to feed is still the same weight he has been for 20 months.

Imagine failure. Desperation. Anxiety. Worry. Grief. In at least 5 hours of your day, every day.