I bought a massage on Groupon a few months ago when I decided people get massages when they are stressed out. But then I realized this massage was just from a dude. Not a spa or something. A man. In a private business of rubbing people. In a deserted house-type-office-studio-thing.

But it was cheap. So....

Yesterday he called to confirm and to give me directions which included, "Go around the back behind the fence up the stairs and I will be waiting for you there." With my machete.

I thought I was probably being unreasonable, but started to get really nervous about it when I realized he was right near a bunch of pawn shops and bars. Ones that were open at 10 AM on a Wenesday with no sporting event to speak of. And not college bars. So I held my keys between my fingers prepared to pounce (nice way to enter a massage, huh?) and proceeded "behind the fence and up the stairs" as Michael described. Aside from the unsightly taco meat look, he was harmless looking. So I put the keys in my bag and entered his death chamber massage studio.

But I couldn't relax knowing I was stripping down while an unknown man lurked outside of the door. I formulated many escape plans while I settled into his harmless massage table.

Then, I got a normal massage.

Minimal talking, quiet music, nothing weird.

Normal.

When it was over, I packed it up, thanked him, paid and tipped him and went back downstairs.

There was a young woman standing there with a Groupon. She was looking around, keys in hand, eyeing the staircase.

"Don't worry, he's normal. He's not going to chop you up into a million pieces or anything. It's a good massage." I reassured her.

She looked relieved, smiled and went upstairs.

As my friend Jules put it, "Killers don't advertise on Groupon. As long as you didn't reply to an ad for him on Craigslist, you're probably OK."